


if the World was Ending

by Crucified_To_A_Star



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Break Up, Character Study, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Jaehyun is a good boy don't blame him :(, Johnny pov, M/M, Post-Break Up, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Suh Youngho | Johnny-centric, Unspecified Setting, Young Love, what does it feel like when the person you love no longer loves you?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24000649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crucified_To_A_Star/pseuds/Crucified_To_A_Star
Summary: “We weren’t made for forever, Jae. That’s okay. Just know I’d be there with you if the world was ending.”(Or: Jaehyun falls out of love with Johnny and Johnny has to come to terms with it.)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	if the World was Ending

**Author's Note:**

> oops my fingers slipped lol
> 
> listen to the song "If The World Was Ending" by JP Saxe ft Julia Michaels if you want to set the mood and understand where this fic came from (Youtube link: [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jO2wSpAoxA) Spotify link: [here](https://open.spotify.com/track/2kJwzbxV2ppxnQoYw4GLBZ?si=FiqbFlsSS9WCRiKbPwjRIQ)  
> )
> 
> as always, enjoy!

_It’s been a year now_  
_I think I’ve figured out how_  
_How to think about you without it ripping my heart out_  
_I know...You weren’t down for forever and it’s fine_  
_I know...We weren’t meant for each other and it’s fine._  
_But if the world was ending you’d come over right?_

The strangest thing, Johnny thought, was how people seemed to witness change without processing it, without _acknowledging_ it, unconsciously noticing it but never addressing it. When had the leaves turned from green to orange and when had the last one fallen into the pile? When had his breath become visible in the air and when did a sweater no longer protect his bones from the ache of winter? When had the nights become cold and the mornings lonely now that the sun was hidden behind a shield of heavy clouds?

When had the staggering heat of Jaehyun become lukewarm that became _cold_?

When asked, Johnny couldn’t pinpoint any of the changes, just that they had happened and he was here _now_. 

Jaehyun had been gone for a year now; he had moved on with his life and settled somewhere, anywhere _other_ than where Johnny was. Johnny had never thought that to be possible, distance between the two so completely foreign, even now.

Their relationship had been _so easy_. 

Meeting Jaehyun felt like reuniting with himself, in such a strange way. The connection had been instantaneous; Jaehyun was all pallor and peach and warm dimpled smiles laced with coy words. It had been so easy for Johnny to surrender, for him to accept the way his knees weakened and his pulse increased, thundering savagely in his chest as a reminder that he was _alive_. 

Johnny hadn’t felt _alive_ before Jaehyun. Before Jaehyun, Johnny was _living_ , making it through the days that all blurred together forming one long monotonous existence that seemed to stretch for eternity in both directions. Johnny hadn’t realized this, hadn’t _noticed_ this, not until Jaehyun sauntered into his life and dipped everything in a soft peach glow that he suddenly couldn’t exist without.

They’d met at a bonfire, one Johnny had barely made it to and one Jaehyun had been _late_ to. The night was spent in a group of people Johnny hardly knew, ones Jaehyun knew far too well, and Jaehyun had taken over stoking the fire in both the pit and in Johnny’s heart. Johnny went home that night with sore eyes, the lingering scent of smoke in his nose and his phone one contact heavier. 

After that things seemed to move as though time was on fast forward. It felt as though he were making up for lost time, like he and Jaehyun were trying to fix the fact that they hadn’t known each other for the first twenty years of their lives. Weeks passed where the two spent entire nights video-chatting over grainy screens, ones Johnny cursed for the lack of detail, the lack of sparkle in Jaehyun’s eyes. No phone screen or photograph could ever completely encapsulate everything Jaehyun was; his aura far too heavenly for anything to capture.

Before the season was over, they had become entangled in the sheets with the sound of crickets pouring in through open summer windows, Johnny demanding a relationship and Jaehyun far too eager to oblige.

After that it was _easy_. 

Jaehyun had said so himself, that everything about Johnny was _easy_. 

Johnny wasn’t sure when _easy_ became _tiring_ and _tiring_ became _burned out_ , but he knew the shift began after his twenty-fifth birthday. Looking back, Johnny could see the strangeness of the day. Jaehyun had kissed him, wished him a generic congratulations, and then promptly left for the day. At the time, Johnny had felt sad, though he had moved on with little thought and a forgotten reminder to check in with him. Jaehyun’s twenty-third birthday had come around and after a simple dinner out, the two had gone to sleep on other sides of the bed with a mumbled _I love you_ haunted the night like the ghost of a memory of a moment in time that no longer existed.

How many times after that had Jaehyun said he loved him? 

Johnny couldn’t remember- there had been many. He was sure to say it to him every night before bed, never feeling _content_ until he reminded the man next to him of his importance in his soul. Jaehyun had always returned it. Had he initiated it after that? Johnny couldn’t remember that either. 

What Johnny could remember was that during their first half-year of dating Jaehyun had confessed to him on the hood of his car. They had been watching the sunset that was practically alive with neon orange and pink and dark grey clouds as though heaven was putting on a grand show for the two. Jaehyun had said the words so clearly but Johnny was certain that the wind had falsified the syllables. _I love you._

That sounded like a promise at the time, one given underneath a sky that turned indigo and a night that Johnny felt _whole_.

Now, it felt more like a curse. 

The memory was foreboding, a weight set directly over his heart. There were days where it was lighter, the memory distant and the heaviness of a feather. Then there were days where it was suffocating, crushing, the heaviness equivalent to the body the promise belonged to. Eternity wasn’t a promise taken lightly.

Johnny could remember the first time he saw their eternity crumbling. It was during a long drive, one where the sun was warm and the world dry and the river looked like an oasis that Jaehyun didn’t stop for. 

_I think I want kids_ Johnny had said to the sunbeams they were passing under. 

_Really? I thought we didn’t._ Jaehyun had said that to their past, tone long gone from Johnny’s present. 

_I think with the right person I’ve always wanted them. I just wanted them to be the_ right _person. I think you’re that._ Johnny was saying it to their future, one that he was trying to make it to.

 _That’s an awful lot of_ I think _’s, y’know?_ Jaehyun had said that to himself.

Jaehyun talked to himself often in the coming months after that. Not in ways that were him standing in the mirror reciting Shakespeare, but rather more subtle things he said that excluded Johnny. 

_I think I’d like to do this._  
_I’m heading out._  
_The guys invited me bowling._  
_If I were to buy a house, I’d want that in it._  
_I’m not sure_ what _I want from my future anymore._

Johnny and he had talked for so many hours for so many nights and days and nights and days- they had always aligned, every opinion slotting together like the pieces to a puzzle that made up the future. The first time Johnny had heard the uncertainty in Jaehyun’s voice, he knew the end was coming before their chapter finished.

That was something Johnny thought about a lot- he often allowed himself the idea that he was a character in a story, one that could face any adversity and come out the stronger half. Johnny used that as his shield, as his mask, as his deflection, as his escape. He thought the chapter Jaehyun had entered would be the main story. Sometimes chapters are only chapters, though, and Jaehyun’s just happened to be hundreds of pages long. 

When the two had finally settled on the fact that their relationship was ending, it was at a playground covered in fog and dew, the rains having just stopped but with the promise to return shortly, and cheap take out Chinese warming wind chilled finger tips. 

Johnny had danced on the soggy bark chips, laughing hollowly as he did so to the trees and metal, Jaehyun not paying attention. The only thing in the park alive besides them was the crows and the silence, the fog isolating them in their own world _together_ , though Johnny still felt _alone_. 

Johnny was the first to address the gap between them that felt much larger than the distance between two swings. Johnny was the first to address the crumbling foundation of the castle he had built for Jaehyun at the expense of his youth. Johnny was the first to address the cold mornings and empty promises and the dullness that took over the stars in Jaehyun’s eyes. 

_Jaehyun,_ Johnny had finally spoke after sitting on the creaking swing, body weight much higher than the old chains were accustomed, _Jaehyun, you promise you’ll tell me if you’re unhappy? Promise me you’ll talk to me about it? I want the best for you and if it’s not me, I need to know._

 _Of course,_ Jaehyun had said quietly, voice softer than the water dripping from the overhead post. The conversation hadn’t continued and Johnny knew then that the end was beginning.

Johnny was hyper aware suddenly of the greyness surrounding them. Where had Jaehyun’s peach tones gone? When had the warm chestnut of his eyes faded to bored brown that avoided Johnny at every corner? When had Johnny stopped making Jaehyun smile in ways that created whiskers on his cheeks? When had Jaehyun fallen out of love with him? 

The end came to a close quickly after that in a car parked on the corner out front of their house, rain pouring over the car as though to try and snuff out the gasoline fire burning inside. Johnny was screaming in a way he couldn’t remember having ever done before, harsh and broken. There was such an agony in his anger, one that bled from wounds that he had ignored for nearly a year now. Jaehyun had stitched his wounds closed on his own, he had done so with a rusty needle and clothing thread, but his wounds were _closed_ nonetheless. The wounds of falling out of love and being the one fallen out of love with were different, one far deeper than the other, one nearly fatal. 

Johnny had known it was coming, though, a train heading down the tracks only to find the cliff face. There was no reverse, there were no brakes, and there was no avoiding the crash. 

_I regret meeting you._ Johnny was lying, but the words felt like something he should say, _You are my biggest fucking mistake._

The irony in that statement came from the love letter he had given to Jaehyun on their third anniversary. The letter was long, so long and so beautiful and written with care. Johnny wasn’t always good at expressing his emotions, wasn’t always good at describing how he felt. Jaehyun was a simple man and liked simple gestures; he always opted for clear cut phrases and honesty. Johnny had a problem with both clear cut and honesty. So he wrote a letter. In it, Johnny could distinctly remember the lines:

_I’m not sure on many things. In fact, I’m more unsure than I am sure, most of the time. I change my mind a lot. I make so many mistakes and I don’t know how to fix all of them. I’m wrong a lot, too, though I’ll never admit that again. I’ve been so sure of one thing in my life, though, and that’s you. You’ve always been the one decision that I haven’t regretted, the one thing I felt like made sense, the one thing I just feel so sure about._

Even when Johnny had disappeared into their shared house as Jaehyun drove off into the abyss of night, with tears and raindrops racing down his face, he still couldn’t think of a way that he could mean those clanky and harsh words. He would never regret Jaehyun. Jaehyun was the best decision of his life.

It took a month before they saw each other again. They had fought through texts for so many days, trading bitterly poisoned words. It took a month before Johnny found himself pinning Jaehyun down and taking what had been his for years. Jaehyun had texted him in the middle of a storm and the two had found themselves at Jaehyun’s barren apartment, crying with the wind against the glass and breaking down walls that had been haphazardly built. The mornings that followed were always quiet and naked and took Johnny ages to peel himself away from.

It only happened twice after that first time, Johnny clinging pathetically to the memories of his body and what it felt like to love him. Those were memories. Those times would never return, no matter what they did in the future. When things are removed from their box, they never fit the same, their mint condition fading. 

They didn’t fit in their box anymore.

Now it was autumn again, the warm colors bringing a crisp chill and the memory of a dark night in a dark car in a dark world. Johnny could remember the feel of his scratched throat, the one that had cursed Jaehyun with every fiber of his being. He could remember the way the hotness of his tears had burned his cheeks. He could remember the bleeding from old wounds, the ones that hadn’t been treated for nearly a year. Johnny could remember _everything_ , though now it was a faint, dull pain.

Johnny hadn’t seen Jaehyun since the last time he’d traced his body to memory against the fading night sky.

It had been ten months. 

Johnny felt good. He felt as though he were moving on, his mind occupied with his new career path and the prospects of a bright future. He’d made a friend group, one Jaehyun knew nothing of and that knew nothing of Jaehyun. He’d created a life that Jaehyun hadn’t touched. He put himself first in this life, made himself the priority.

He could distinctly remember the last time they were in bed, tangled in sheets and silence, Johnny’s head on the nook of Jaehyun’s chest. Johnny had always rested his head there in the dip of his pec to his collarbone. His head fit perfectly in that spot and he had always said it was created solely for the shape of his skull. Johnny had also always said Jaehyun’s fingers were molded strategically for his own. 

Jaehyun had insisted he had been built around Johnny. 

Jaehyun had been the first to speak that night, the first to unearth the bodies they’d laid beneath the soil. _You were so easy to fall in love with, Johnny._

_Was I easy to fall out of love with?_

_God no. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done._

_Then why didn’t you change it?_

_Because_ I _changed, Johnny. There wasn’t any way for me to fix what happened. There wasn’t any way for_ you _to fix what happened._

_I just don’t understand. We were made for each other._

_That’s the problem. I don’t remember how to be a person without you. I don’t remember how to be_ Jaehyun _anymore. It’s always_ John and Jae _and I don’t remember who I was before you and I don’t know who I am without you._

_So if you figure out who you are, there’s a possibility of us trying again?_

Jaehyun hadn’t responded, the question as open ended as everything else surrounding them. 

The first time Johnny saw Jaehyun since that day was when the last leaves fell from the trees and the cold made outdoor adventures unpleasant. Jaehyun had called, had needed company. He had been seeing someone, a nice woman Johnny had been told. Johnny couldn’t find that out on his own. Jaehyun had him blocked on all social medias, though never blocked his number. Jaehyun had said it was because he wouldn’t be able to move on if there was always the reminder of their life together, staring him in the eye. Johnny wondered if that was such a problem, wondered if he deserved the reminder of the agonizing night in the rain and every day he had to force himself from the bed after. There was always that open line of contact, though, their texts few and far between but still there nonetheless, a reminder of a history that wasn’t being forgotten easily. 

When Jaehyun had entered his house it didn’t look much different from the night he had last left, though the distinctly _Jaehyun_ touches were missing. Gone were the vinyls and candles and vodka in the cupboards. Johnny only drank whiskey and preferred Spotify. 

Everything else, though, was the same. Johnny didn’t let him see his room, didn’t let him see the way he had turned his bed into a nest, one that had piles of pillows and stuffed toys that he hoped to curl into and feign the feeling of the warm body that had up and left. Johnny still slept only on his side of the bed. Johnny could probably fill Jaehyun’s side with another body of similar shape, but that space would never be entirely filled. It was a distinct shape, one that was bathed in peach and sandalwood and dimples and whiskers in the morning sunlight. 

When Jaehyun sat on the couch end, the distance was both far too much and far too little. There was the desire to hold him again, the ache to curl into the familiar warmth that was no longer familiar. 

Everything felt strange in that moment that they became suspended in, floating vaguely with no end. It felt like his past and his future melding into one strange moment of the present. The memories of who Jaehyun _was_ were counteracted by the current state of who he _is_. Johnny didn’t know the Jaehyun in front of him and Jaehyun didn’t know this Johnny, either. 

The two were strangers despite the fact of spending the better part of their youth in love. 

How did one make average small talk with the person they sold their soul to? 

Jaehyun told him about his life. He caught him up with vague details of a fast moving relationship with a woman he thought was nice. They ran into problems along the way, though, and Jaehyun had ended up on Johnny’s couch as a result, in search of the only form of stability he could remember.

“It’s funny,” Jaehyun said, “Whenever my world is ending, it’s always you I call. It’s always you I go to.” 

Johnny’s laugh wasn’t bitter or angry, but sad in a way that ached. “It’s because I’m familiar,” His voice was soft and harmless, though loaded with a year's worth of heartache, “It’s because I’ve always been your safe place.” 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun agreed, “You always have been.” 

After that the night had grown warmer with the fire they reignited, the embers that Johnny thought died having been stoked by Jaehyun’s laugh again. Johnny wasn’t sure if there ever was an ice between them, but if so it melted the second Jaehyun stepped into his home. Everything fell back into place, the two laughing and joking and mirroring each other’s thoughts with far too much accuracy for a year having passed.

 _Have you missed this? Have you missed me? Tell me that this doesn’t feel right, that this doesn’t feel easy anymore?_ Johnny had wanted to speak those words, but there was a chain on his tongue, one he had placed in hopes of keeping this man in his presence for just a bit longer. Instead, he asked, “You still have that toy on your keychain.”

The little lego man keychain was a gag gift Johnny hadn’t expected Jaehyun to use, having given it to him the first year of their relationship. It was faded now, details long gone as his tuxedo was merely a black and white blob, brown hair dulled and nicked. They had named it Jeffery as a joke, the little man being coined as Jaehyun’s protector. Johnny hadn’t ever even thought that he’d still have it. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun laughed, picking his keys up from the coffee table to fiddle with the little yellow man, “Yeah, Jeff is still around, protecting me.” There was an odd fondness in Jaehyun’s tone and in his expression, a wet smile that tasted like a playground lost in fog on his lips. 

When had loving Johnny gone from easy to something tiring? He wished he could pinpoint that moment because it ruined so many futures he could have had. He could have been sitting in his arms, feeling the beating of his heart, resting his head in the nook of his chest where it belonged. Johnny’s eyes couldn’t help but look at the crease of his chest, the place where he spent so many lazy mornings. He thought that he had found a way to live without him, a way to think about him without wanting to rip his own heart out. 

“I’m glad he is.” Johnny finally answered. Jaehyun looked as though he wanted to say something, wanted to _fix_ something that was in millions of pieces and scattered across the carpet. He looked as though he wanted to find the moment in time, as well, and fix it. 

Even a year later, they were synced. Everything from jokes and thoughts and cravings to their pain. They were still on the same page, still on the same line. They never left their chapter, despite the distance. How long was their chapter? Johnny wasn’t sure. He hoped it never ended. He hoped they were the novel.

“Johnny, I’m sorry.” Jaehyun finally said, “It’s not enough, but for what it’s worth I’m sorry.” 

“We weren’t made for forever, Jae.” Johnny’s voice was wet with a nostalgia that he thought he had gotten rid of, one that was sad for what could have been and one that was sad for what was. Johnny couldn’t remember feeling the earthquake that shattered his world, the changes happening over time. His universe had shifted at some point, in some imperceivable way that he had only noticed as he felt his jeans soak up rain from a wet playground slide as he tried to find joy in the bleak expanses of nothingness that surrounded the two. Johnny hadn’t felt his earth crumble, the process slow and still ongoing. They were never intended to be something that lasted for forever until time forgot to stop them and despite what they had always said, they weren’t made for one another in a way that was irreplaceable. Sometimes even the _best_ things weren’t the _right_ things. Johnny had slowly accepted that the Jaehyun shaped hole in his life was just going to remain. “That’s okay. Just know I’d be there with you if the world was ending.”

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed, i haven't written heavy angst in a while but i got hit with the sudden urge to do so and this just came to me!! let me know what you think<3 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/MidnightPasses)  
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/MidnightPasses?t=156572385)


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